I don’t mean to be dramatic, but some nights, I lie awake and wonder:

What if this is it?

What if life doesn’t get bigger than this town, this routine, this version of me?

What if I never actually make it out? What if the dreams I’ve got—the ones I tell myself are just “taking longer” to happen—never happen at all?

What if, five years from now, I’m still here? Still scraping by, still waiting for something to break, still convincing myself that my big moment is just around the corner?

I don’t talk about it much. Because we’re supposed to believe in ourselves, right? Supposed to stay optimistic, trust the process, keep the faith.

But I’m gonna be real.

Some days, I don’t believe in shit.

Some days, I wonder if all this effort—the writing, the side hustles, the restless nights spent wanting more—is just a slow-motion way of setting myself up for disappointment.

Some days, I’m scared that maybe I was never meant for more in the first place.

The Fear That No One Wants to Admit

Nobody really talks about this fear—the fear of being ordinary.

Of waking up one day and realizing you never did anything meaningful.
That all those late-night thoughts about how you were different—how you were going to be something—were just that: thoughts.

And the worst part?

You don’t even know if it’s a real fear or just your own bullshit getting in your way.

Because on one hand, yeah, maybe you just haven’t hit your moment yet. Maybe all this struggling is just the buildup to something bigger.

Maybe you’re exactly where you need to be, learning the lessons you need to learn before life finally throws you a damn bone.

Or—maybe you’re just wasting time.

Maybe you’ve been lying to yourself. Maybe you’re not on your way to something better. Maybe this is just it.

How do you even know the difference?

The False Promise of “One Day”

I think part of the problem is we’re all raised on this idea that something better is always coming.

• “One day, your hard work will pay off.”
• “One day, you’ll get your big break.”
• “One day, you’ll look back and be glad you never gave up.”

But what if one day never comes?

Nobody prepares you for the possibility that maybe you’re not gonna be the exception.

Maybe you’re not gonna be the one who makes it out, who proves everyone wrong, who gets to live the kind of life that doesn’t feel like a slow crawl toward a future you don’t even want.

That’s the thought that eats at me.

Because I can keep grinding, keep writing, keep putting in the work.

But what if none of it actually leads anywhere?

What if I’m just another guy who tried?

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

We all tell ourselves stories about our own lives.

Some of us tell the underdog story—we’re struggling now, but we’re gonna make it. We just need our shot.

Some of us tell the victim story—life’s unfair, we never got the right opportunities, it’s not our fault we’re stuck.

Some of us tell the lost cause story—we missed our window, we wasted too much time, there’s no point in trying anymore.

I’ve cycled through all of them.

And the truth is, none of them are 100% real.

They’re just narratives we use to explain why we are where we are.

But here’s what I keep coming back to:

• If I believe I’m just “waiting for my moment,” I might get lazy, thinking it’ll come on its own.
• If I believe the world is against me, I might never actually try to fight back.
• If I believe I’ve already lost, I’ll never see the opportunities still in front of me.

So the question is—what story are you telling yourself?

And is it actually helping you, or is it just another excuse?

What If This Really Is It?

Okay. Let’s say the worst-case scenario is true.

Let’s say I never “make it.”

Let’s say I never leave Oceanvale, never turn this writing thing into something real, never get to live the kind of life I dream about when I’m lying in bed at 2 AM, headphones in, staring at the ceiling.

Then what?

Do I just give up?

Do I stop writing, stop working on the car, stop dreaming entirely because the finish line isn’t guaranteed?

No.

Because here’s the real truth:

I don’t do this just because I think it’ll lead to something bigger.

I do it because I have to.

Because it’s part of who I am.

Because even if no one ever reads these words, I still need to write them.
Because even if this car never leaves the junkyard, I still need to fix it.

Because even if I never get out of this town, I still need to leave my mark on it.

And maybe that’s the answer.

Maybe the point isn’t to make it big. Maybe the point is just to make something—anything—that makes life feel a little more worth living.

The One Thing I Know for Sure

I don’t know if I’m gonna make it out of here.
I don’t know if I’ll ever “make it” at all.

But I do know this:

• I’d rather die trying than live knowing I gave up.
• I’d rather fail at something I love than succeed at something that makes me miserable.
• I’d rather look back and say, “At least I tried,” than, “I was too scared to find out.”

So if you’re in this place—if you’re scared that maybe this is it—I don’t have a magic answer for you.

But I do know this:

You’re not done yet.

And as long as you keep going, as long as you keep building something—your story isn’t over.

—J